Every Black Woman Ain’t Yours to Help: Learning to Stay in My Lane of Genius

On shame, discernment, and the sacred right to choose how we serve

I had a moment recently where I felt like I should help someone. You know those moments—where you see an opportunity to open someone’s perspective, offer a different lens, maybe even help them grow, especially when it’s another Black woman. Especially when you know the struggle.

But this time, I didn’t want to. And that truth… whew, it made me feel ashamed at first.

So I talked it over with someone I trust. Another Black woman. And what she said to me changed everything.

She reminded me of something we all know in our bones: the corporate world is brutal for Black women. Being a manager or climbing up the ladder while navigating microaggressions, isolation, and cultural dissonance—it’s a lot. And sometimes, we feel obligated to soften the blows for each other. To always be the teacher, the bridge, the translator.

But here's the truth I had to sit with:
Just because she’s a Black woman doesn’t mean she’s my Black woman to help.

I didn’t want to explain, guide, or offer a teachable moment. Not this time. Not to her. Because this particular person and I have had many run-ins that left me raw. There’s been a pattern—experiences where I walked away more drained than seen. And when you’re in that kind of dynamic, you can often see the thing they can’t. You can see how they’re in their own way. Sometimes in violent ways. Not physical violence, but energetic violence—the kind that spills into meetings, into team dynamics, into interactions that leave everyone walking on eggshells.

And in that space, I had to be honest:
I just didn’t want to help her. And that’s OK.

Let me be clear—I’m not saying I didn’t want her to grow. I’m saying I wasn’t the one to usher that growth in. That ain’t my ministry. Not in this case.

And that led me to this revelation:

🌀 Not every Black woman is yours to save.
🌀 Not every moment is yours to teach in.
🌀 Not every perspective needs to be offered by you.

We each have our lane of genius—and that is where we do our best work. That’s where our wisdom and energy flow most powerfully. And when we stay in it, we support our community in ways that are deeply aligned and sustainably nourishing. I’m not saying there isn’t room for you to grow, rather, the growth is within your lane of genius. There’s always change and upleveling to make, but you do it in your lane.

For some of us, that lane is growing food.
For others, it’s organizing, planning, creating beauty.
For me? It’s truth-telling. Writing. Journaling. Attunement. Speaking life and clarity into the page or the mic.

That’s my lane. And if someone can’t meet me in that lane? Maybe I’m not their teacher. Maybe they’re meant to be reached by someone at a kickback, or through a documentary, or a podcast, or a prayer circle. That’s their journey. And I don’t have to twist myself into shapes to make myself accessible to someone who’s not meant to receive from me.

Here’s the gem:
The how is not your responsibility. Your only job is to show up in your lane. Boldly. Authentically. Without shame.

Because when you do that—when you honor your gifts and serve from that sweet spot—you reach the exact people you’re meant to reach. You don’t even have to know who they are. Your light finds them. Their readiness magnetizes them to you.

So if you’re like me—sitting in your car, thinking, rethinking, spiraling over whether or not you should have helped someone—pause. Ask yourself:

✨ Was that mine to carry?
✨ Was that mine to teach?
✨ Or was I trying to be something to someone who wasn’t even meant to receive me?

Because the most radical thing we can do as Black women is trust the divine blueprint that lives inside of us. That inner knowing. That ancestral whisper that says:
You are allowed to choose. You are allowed to protect your energy. You are allowed to stay in your genius.

And I’ll say this for the ones in the back—you don’t have to feel ashamed for not wanting to help. You just have to be honest with yourself about why. And then stand tall in the choice that honors your soul and your lane of genius.

Love,
Aja

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